Monthly Archives: February 2003

ko2

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i decided not to take my advice and try to write a blog entry like kofuzi.  i seldom listen to myself anyway as it is difficult to both talk and listen at the same time.

i was thinking, which i do from time to time, despite what many might think, and i was thinking how nice it would be to ride my motorcycle in to work today.  stepping outside for my morning smoke and taking the dog for a walk i realized that it was much to cold to ride the bike today.  then i thought, heck, i couldn’t ride it if i wanted to.  it doesn’t have any gas.  how could it have gas after all, since i don’t own a motorcycle.  at that point i also realized that i don’t smoke and had to wonder what i had just lit on fire and placed in my mouth.

conversation i had with myselves during lunch

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JIM: did you read that stlbloggers is having a contest to see who can write like kofuzi
ME: –
JIM: do you think we should enter
ME: what do you win
JIM: probably miracle whip.
ME: we don’t even like miracle whip
JIM: but its a contest, and we do like to win
ME: i think you are a little too competitive
JIM: really, i think we should do it
ME: what do we really know about this guy, you’ve never even met him
JIM: well, he has a lot of conversations with people that may not exist.
ME: true. and he likes to write blogs in lowercase letters and knows lots of moderately attractive women
JIM: and he’s afraid of most of the women he meets
ME: no he’s not. he’s afraid to meet most of the women he see’s
JIM: only if he finds them moderately attractive
JACK: what are you guys up to.
JIM: deciding if we should try to write a blog entry like kofuzi
JACK: well if you do it, don’t forget to say things like – this blog entry turned out just the way i had planned it except that its nothing like kofuzi’s style and not very interesting reading. unless of course you like reading blog entries like this
JIM: did you ever meet jack
ME: yeah, when we were like 6 and we made him up. i didn’t like him then and i don’t like him now
JIM: sure he was more of an imaginary enemy than an imaginary friend, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it
JACK: $- you. i’m out of here
ME: –
JIM: so do you want to enter or not
ME: not really, we have too much work to do
JIM: fine. i’m going to go see if anyone else has posted anything
ME: –

Recent Conversations

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Conversation I had with my boss in the hallway at work…

Brian: Wait, you are Catholic, You are going to hell

Jim: At leasts I get an afterlife. When you die, you’re done.

Brian: I think I prefer that to hell.

Jim: Nah, I don’t give up that easily. Besides, its probably not much worse than working here.

Brian: I will probably go to Purgatory.

Brian: What’s that like anyway? A grey room with a couch.

Jim: Pretty much. And a coffee table and a deck of playing cards with all the wax worn off. And its missing the Jack of hearts and the 3 of clubs.

Brian: Huh???

Conversation I had with John O and Ben at Harpo’s…Jim: Did you just see the little new blurp on CNN. A white couple just gave birth to black twins.

John: I think if I was the father I would be asking some questions.

Jim: It was a fertility clinic screw-up.

Ben: That sounds like a legal nightmare. What if the real parents were also trying to have kids and were unsuccessful. They might try to get custody.

Jim: It said that the Judge in the case said the babies would stay with the parents that gave birth.

Ben: Wow.

Jim: (B.S.ing about our screwed up legal system) … of course the Judge said that if it had been white babies born to a black couple that he would have ruled the other way.

John: You are going to hell.

My friends application to the LA Fire Dept.

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One of my best friends is applying for a job with the LA Fire Department.  As part of the application process, they send out questionnaires to people who know the applicant.  Here are samples of some of the questions and how I answered them…

Describe the applicants consumption of alcohol: Man, we used to get shit-faced together. This guy can really put ‘em away. If you are looking for someone to party with, this is your guy.

Has the applicant ever done anything illegal: If you didn’t catch us, it didn’t happen.

How does the applicant get along with others: Great, except when he’s trying to piss them off about religion or politics.

Is the applicant trust worthy: You decide. We had a random drug test for the UMSL swimteam, and he knew one of the guys would fail, so he intentionally spilt his sample on the trainer (who was watching us to make sure we didn’t cheat).  During the distraction, I had a chance to give my sample to our friend and then refill his cup as my own. I call that being able to trust your friends.

Would you want the applicant as a fire fighter in your town: Beats the hell out of him starting the fires.

How does the applicant handle stress, give an example: He handles stress great. This one time the cops were chasing us in a helicopter. He kept his cool and helped us all avoid getting caught.