By Arnie Geddon (6/23/2003)

EGI News has just learned that Galactic Environmental Protection Agency (GEPA) has added humans to their Endangered Species List. GEPA recently switched humans status from extinct to seriously endangered, when it was discovered that the Earth was not actually destroyed by a Super Nova.

A GEPA spokesperson was quoted as saying - “The strange thing is, most humans don’t realize that they are endangered. When one realizes that of the approximately 100 Billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, only 1 has a planet that contain breeding pairs of humans. That means the once prominent species of humans are now only on 0.000000001 percent of the solar systems in the galaxy. A single catastrophic event could eliminate the species from the face of the galaxy. Its amazing the species has survived this long.”

“There are thousands of near earth objects that could collide with the planet at any time. A comet or large asteroid could wipe out the entire species in the blink of an eye. The humans are generally too naive to spend effort looking for these objects and determining how to destroy them or guarantee they won’t impact with the planet.”

“Of course a natural disaster is less likely then destroying themselves. Humans are naturally self-destructive. They pollute their planet like no other species in the galaxy. Soon the earth will be completely uninhabitable. Humans also tend to live in overpopulated areas, making it easy for a single disease or catastrophe to wipe out large portions of the population. One of the biggest concerns is the constant wars they wage. They will kill each other over silly things like religion or differences in political beliefs. We fear that it is only a matter of time before the species destroys themselves. ”

When asked what GEPA was doing to prevent the species extinction, the spokesperson said - “We have started transporting as many humans as we can off of the planet. Abductions are occurring nightly and we are transplanting the humans to various planets around the galaxy. We hope to eventually transplant about 1 billion humans. With their breeding rates, we hope that within a few decades we can bring the species back to acceptable levels. As a side note, we have also removed the bounty that had been imposed on humans when most of the galaxy had them classified as vermin.”

The good news about being added to the Endangered Species List is that the planet Earth may not be destroyed as part of the Star Port expansion near Alpha Centauri.

This is kinda cool - a hand drawn clock that really tells time

Billy[7] and Ned[2] Jr[1], the radio head[9], were taking the wagon[1] to the market to buy vegetables[9] when Ned spotted a strange rock. “Pinch me[3] if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a Dinosaur[1] fossil?”

As Ned reached for it, Billy said, “You don’t want to do that[2]. What if it’s a cursed Idol[7].”

Ned paused for at least 7 seconds[5] then said, “I think you are just asking me lies[10] so you can grab it for yourself. You just want to sell it.”

“Nonsense,” Billy said. “What would I do if I had $1,000,000[4]?”

“Probably go to the peep show to see bare naked ladies[3,4],” said Ned.

Billy ignored the interruption. “I’m telling you that’s one of the idols of the female talking heads[6] common to this geography[8].”

Ned ignored him and grabbed the fossil.

Billy looked panicked. “Tonight she comes[11]. Tonight when the judybats[8] fly, she will come for you. Your life is no longer your own. You will owe her everything. You will hope to be a lover[7], but you will be a slave. You live and die for freedom[5], but that freedom will never come. For all eternity, you will be her gangster of love[6].”

Ned looked at his normally skeptical friend and wondered if this might be one of the replacements[10]. As they walked through the cars[11] at the market Ned asked,”Have you been hanging out in an Atomic Dustbin[2], because your brain is fried.”

1. The Wagon (Dinosaur Jr)
2. You Don’t Want to Do That (Ned’s Atomic Dustbin)
3. Pinch Me (Barenaked Ladies)
4. If I Had $1,000,000 (Barenaked Ladies)
5. You Live And Die For Freedom (7 seconds)
6. Gangster Of Love (Talking Heads)
7. To Be A Lover (Billy Idol)
8. Geography (The Judybats)
9. Vegetable (Radiohead)
10. Asking Me Lies (The Replacements)
11. Tonight She Comes (The Cars)

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I suppose I’m not alone, but on Friday I gave myself a self-imposed disconnect from the internet and T.V. to avoid any chance that I would accidentally find out anything about the last Harry Potter book.  Despite what I posted earlier,  I did not go to the store.  I ordered my copy at Amazon to avoid crowds of people discussing the book.  I was a little paranoid of someone blurting out some key part.  The paranoia was not totally unfounded.  When Half Blood Prince came out, my nephew ruined it for me, “You  know…”

I have waited years for the conclusion of this series, and I wanted it to be a personal thing between me and the book.   I dreaded the thought of someone spoiling the story.  Anyway, I raced to finish the book and successfully avoided any spoilers.

I know Frank doesn’t care about the series; he gave up after book 4 or 5.  After book 5, I was ready to give up myself, but I picked up book 6  when it came out and was re-stoked about the story line.  It broke from the theme and was possibly the best book in the series.

Deathly Hallows did not disappoint.  The story was a real page turner and most if not all of the loose ends from the previous stories were tied up.  In fact she may have done too good of a job tying up loose ends, but unlike the horrible job George Lucas did forcing everything to fit in his masterplop Revenge of the Sith, the tied up loose ends did not seem forced.

Overall I would recommend reading the first 4 Harry Potter books, seeing the 5th movie, then reading books 6 and 7.

By Gil Le Bell (7/14/2003)

In the trend of unique theme restaurants, a group of investors in the New York area have announced that they plan to open a chain of Traditional Cannibal Restaurants.  The restaurants will feature human cuisine taken straight from recipes of the Philippines and Indonesia.   EGI’s own Gil Le Bell interviewed one of the lead investor, Mr. Sal Slaughter.

Gil – Aren’t you concerned that American’s are too squeamish to try Cannibalistic foods?

Sal – Our research shows that nearly any theme restaurant can make money in its first few months, but we also believe that the people of the United States are eager to try new and exotic foods.  We are convinced that once people try our food, they will have no desire to eat beef, pork or chicken.

Gil – So how did you decide upon New York for the first restaurant?

Sal - We considered opening a restaurant in LA or San Francisco, but we felt that the number of vegetarians might impact our profitability.  New York seems to be the perfect starting place.

Gil – Where do get the necessary meat for a restaurant of this size?

Sal – One of the reasons we chose New York is that we can work with local Italian and Chinese Mafia, in conjunction with government officials to acquire everything we need.  As long as we are only getting the meat from people that the Mafia was going to kill anyway, the government agrees that we are well within the boundaries of the law.

Gil – Is there any difference in taste between the various nationalities?

Sal – Certainly.  In many cases you can taste a hint of the type of food the person grew up on.  Italians tend to be a little garlicky, Chinese a little salty, and Mexican’s a little spicy.  It all depends on what you are in the mood for.

…on 7/7/7 @ 7:07 but I guess 7/(7+7+7)/7 @ 7:07 will have to do.

The Three Dimension Luck and Power Test