BREAKING NEWS: Humans added to Endangered Species List

By Arnie Geddon (6/23/2003)

EGI News has just learned that Galactic Environmental Protection Agency (GEPA) has added humans to their Endangered Species List. GEPA recently switched humans status from extinct to seriously endangered, when it was discovered that the Earth was not actually destroyed by a Super Nova.

A GEPA spokesperson was quoted as saying – “The strange thing is, most humans don’t realize that they are endangered. When one realizes that of the approximately 100 Billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy, only 1 has a planet that contain breeding pairs of humans. That means the once prominent species of humans are now only on 0.000000001 percent of the solar systems in the galaxy. A single catastrophic event could eliminate the species from the face of the galaxy. Its amazing the species has survived this long.”

“There are thousands of near earth objects that could collide with the planet at any time. A comet or large asteroid could wipe out the entire species in the blink of an eye. The humans are generally too naive to spend effort looking for these objects and determining how to destroy them or guarantee they won’t impact with the planet.”

“Of course a natural disaster is less likely then destroying themselves. Humans are naturally self-destructive. They pollute their planet like no other species in the galaxy. Soon the earth will be completely uninhabitable. Humans also tend to live in overpopulated areas, making it easy for a single disease or catastrophe to wipe out large portions of the population. One of the biggest concerns is the constant wars they wage. They will kill each other over silly things like religion or differences in political beliefs. We fear that it is only a matter of time before the species destroys themselves.

When asked what GEPA was doing to prevent the species extinction, the spokesperson said – “We have started transporting as many humans as we can off of the planet. Abductions are occurring nightly and we are transplanting the humans to various planets around the galaxy. We hope to eventually transplant about 1 billion humans. With their breeding rates, we hope that within a few decades we can bring the species back to acceptable levels. As a side note, we have also removed the bounty that had been imposed on humans when most of the galaxy had them classified as vermin.

The good news about being added to the Endangered Species List is that the planet Earth may not be destroyed as part of the Star Port expansion near Alpha Centauri.