Attorney General’s Office
Provides New Profiling Guidelines

After months of debate in the United States Congress and fights with the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), the Attorney General’s office has developed a guideline for the profiling of potential criminals. Attorney General John Ashcroft is recommending that all police agencies and airport security personal adopt the new standards immediately.

The following table shows a breakdown “Risk Groups” and criminal activities.

Racial Profiles

White Black Hispanic Asian Middle East Italian
Terrorism X1     X X  
Child Molestation X2         X2
Rape X X        
Murder X X X X X X
Illegal Immigration X3   X      
Theft/Burglary X X X      
Organized Crime X     X   X
White Collar Crime X          
Drug Trafficking X X X      
  1. Extra caution if from a rural state or a member of the clergy.
  2. Extra caution if a member of the clergy.
  3. Usually trafficking illegal immigrants.

Social Profiles

Male Rich Religious Female Poor Non-religious
Terrorism X X1 X   X  
Child Molestation X   X      
Rape X          
Murder X   X      
Illegal Immigration   X1     X  
Theft/Burglary X X1     X  
Organized Crime X X1     X  
White Collar Crime X X        
Drug Trafficking X X1     X  
  1. Usually a Rich Male is the ring leader of this activity.

A spokesperson for Attorney General John Ashcroft was very outspoken about the accuracy and benefits of the new profiling plan. “We performed a detailed statistical analysis to determine which groups were most likely to commit which crimes. From the table it’s pretty obvious which group we will be focusing most of our efforts on. Off the record, we are running an extensive background check on the Attorney General right now – Rich White Male from a rural state with extensive ties to religious organizations….You don’t get a better profile hit than that.”

The president’s national security adviser, Condoleezza Rice admitted that President Bush was also under investigation for the same reasons. “I’ll admit I’m a little nervous around him. I don’t want to sound racist or sexist, but you never know what those people are capable of.”

originally posted 4/12/2004