May
30-08

Posted by Jim @ 7:27 am
Shelved under Music
  1. Why Don’t We Get Drunk (Jimmy Buffet)*****
  2. Hot Hot Hot!!! (Cure)
  3. If Ever You Should Fall (Material Issue)
  4. The More You Ignor Me, The Closer I Get (Morrissey)*
  5. Kick (INXS)
  6. Sweetest Perfection (Depeche Mode)
  7. Santa Marinella (Gogol Bordella)**
  8. Walk Together, Rock Together (7 Seconds)***
  9. What Gives My Son (Ned’s Atomic Dustbin)***
  10. Filet of Sole (Dead Milkmen)****
  11. Children (EMF)

Annotations
* (sic)
** Gogol Bordella is new addition from Brother Mike - kind of a Gypsy Punk Rock/Alternative sound.
*** Actually Mike turned me on to 7 Seconds and Ned’s Atomic Dustbin as well.
**** And the Dead Milkmen, back in his Skater days; back when I was a Pizza Delivery Dude.
***** I think Brother Rick introduced me to Jimmy Buffet, or at least his music; I’ve never met the man.

May
28-08

Posted by Jim @ 10:54 am
Shelved under Satire

Email I received:

Mr. Hofer

It has come to our attention that you have been accurately predicting Powerball® numbers on your website http://blog.hofer.us. We respectfully ask that in fairness to others playing the game that you cease predicting and publishing Powerball® numbers prior to the drawings.

We would also appreciate if you would not play the lottery as you would possess an unfair advantage over other players.

We hope that you will take this email into consideration and that we will not have to pursue this further with our attorneys. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Wayne Dolezal, Director of Business and Legal Affairs

Multi-State Lottery Association
4400 N.W. Urbandale Drive
Urbandale, Iowa 50322
515.453.1400

So unfortunately I will be unable to provide any more winning numbers.  Sorry folks.

May
24-08

Posted by Gil Le Bell @ 5:34 am
Shelved under EGI News

The FCC has announced that it will be blocking the production and sale of the highly anticipated HD TiVo. The move is partially in response to the Super Bowl fiasco in which Janet Jackson’s right breast was exposed by Justin Timberlake.

TiVo is a device that allows users to pause TV programs or even rewind and replay portions of a show. The HD TiVo will allow users to pause, record and replay High Definition TV programs. The HD TiVo was scheduled to be released to the public during the first quarter of 2004 with a list price of nearly $1000.

One notable TiVo user apparently unimpressed with the performance of Timberlake and Jackson was FCC chairman Michael Powell, who launched an investigation into the bare-breasted matter. Powell himself rewatched the breast-baring incident at least 7 times. It was Powell’s conclusion that TiVo bares much of the responsibility for the exposure of Janet Jackson’s breast.

A spokesman for Powell said “The FCC can not risk people viewing something as offensive as Janet Jackson’s right breast over and over in High Definition. It’s bad enough that many viewers were subjected to seeing her breast one time. Can you imagine having to see every dimple and imperfection over and over?”

TiVo has admitted that the Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake halftime stunt was the most replayed moment not only of the Super Bowl but of all TV moments that the young company has ever measured.

The FCC has suggested that TiVo consider modifying the device by adding “Flesh Filter’s” similar to those used by Howard Stern and in the “Girl’s Gone Wild” video commercials. The Flesh Filters cause any exposed flesh or an inappropriate nature to be replaced by either an image or by a series of flesh colored squares of different shades.

Pornography seeker and potential HD Tivo customer Mike Dennis opposes TiVo’s plan. “How am I supposed to record the Real Sex series on HBO in High Definition if TiVo and the FCC pull this crap.”

originally posted 2/9/2004

May
21-08

Posted by Jim @ 1:59 pm
Shelved under Hockey, Politics

I went 1 for 2 in the last round on my Stanley Cup Hockey Predictions.  I’m debating on this one - should I take the Pens since I hate Detroit, or should I pick Detroit, thus guaranteeing that the Pens win because I will have jinxed Detroit.

.

.

.

[thinking]

.

.

.

Okay, I’ve decided to pick Detroit.  My reasoning is that I want the Pens to win, but if I pick Detroit and they somehow manage to win, at least I can say I picked the winner.  If the Pens win, I’ll be happy anyway.

I may use a similar tactic this November when I can either vote for the winner or vote the candidate I would like to win.

…or not.

May
19-08

Posted by Jim @ 7:22 am
Shelved under Conversations, Work

The following things were actually heard in high level meetings last week*

  •  By definition it’s not defined.
  • I’m going to make things more complex for a minute so we can simplify them.
  • Then we can have a “I give a shit” button.
  • We need to be playing Sesame Street.
  • His strawberry is much bigger than mine.
  • We need to attach it to something that we don’t know if it exists.
  • If you think your speedometer is broken, you shouldn’t black out your windshield.
  • I’m not very good at explaining myself right now…where right now is since I was born.
  • This is fun for me, this is the only fun I’ve had in this meeting.
  • Requests don’t need to be fun and joyful, but they need to be tedious and painful.
  • It was a really fancy restaurant with bizarre foods, like a lobster shoved up a sheep’s butt.

Conversational tidbits:

  • VP: In China they don’t have napkins, they wipe their hands on little….[pause while rubbing his fingers]
  • Me: children?
  • Person 1: The worst interview question I ever had was “You are given an elephant, what do you do?”
  • Person 2: I’d sodomize it.

* I was the low title in the meetings.  Everyone else had titles that started with the words “Vice President” or “Director”, or ended in the word “Manager”, with an occasional  “Senior” added in here or there for flavor.

May
19-08

Posted by Jim @ 7:10 am
Shelved under Comics

I haven’t played the fortune cookie game in ages…

May
17-08

Posted by Arnie Geddon @ 5:14 am
Shelved under EGI News

The Galactic Environmental Protection Agency (GEPA) has reversed its early decision to place humans on their Endangered Species List. GEPA is now harnessing nuclear technology to try to eradicate the humans whose destructive nature is devastating the planet Earth.

GlikKnols, a humanologist at the Galactic Environmental Protection Agency, estimates that humans are causing irreparable harm to the planet and its other, more hospitable creatures.

“The other Earth creatures suffer the major burden… of mortality,” he told EGI during a tour of the GEPA’s humanology laboratories.

The Sterile Human Technique (SHT) is a simple idea. Scientists breed humans and expose the males to enough radiation to render them sterile. The males are then released into the environment to breed with the females, whose eggs are unfertilized and never develop.

“The whole idea or concept is that the population would actually start to crash and eventually may actually lead to eradication of the human, and therefore eradication of the problems they cause,” said GlikKnols, who has personally suffered through working with humans.

GlakErikTak, the humanologist in charge of the GEPA’s humanology unit, said the $4 million project was still in its infancy. He described it as a “high-risk project” with many hurdles to overcome before it is ready for field trials.

Over the next five years, they need to reach a point where they can produce a million sterile male humans a day.

The males they breed must be robust enough to survive when released into the environment and tough enough to compete with fertile males during mating. The biggest problem is that human women mate indiscriminately and very frequently.

GlikKnols and GlakErikTak point out that in the 1940s, Elalvador successfully used the SHT to eradicate humans from part of the planet.

“They brought that human into the lab, started producing it in large numbers, sterilized it and then released it in a small area… about 15 square kilometers, and successfully induced 100 percent sterility in the population,” Knols said.

Afterwards, they started a much larger project in which they were producing a million male humans a day. But when civil war broke out the project ended.

“We think we can do a better job than they did in Elalvador,” said GlakErikTak.

He said the technique of sterilization could not be used all over the Earth and would have to be combined with other population control techniques to eradicate the pest.

“But there’s no alternative to irradiation for the sterile human technique. It’s a very clean technique,” he said, adding that there was no risk of contamination. “The humans are not radioactive when they’re released.”

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