The following things were actually heard in high level meetings last week*

  •  By definition it’s not defined.
  • I’m going to make things more complex for a minute so we can simplify them.
  • Then we can have a “I give a shit” button.
  • We need to be playing Sesame Street.
  • His strawberry is much bigger than mine.
  • We need to attach it to something that we don’t know if it exists.
  • If you think your speedometer is broken, you shouldn’t black out your windshield.
  • I’m not very good at explaining myself right now…where right now is since I was born.
  • This is fun for me, this is the only fun I’ve had in this meeting.
  • Requests don’t need to be fun and joyful, but they need to be tedious and painful.
  • It was a really fancy restaurant with bizarre foods, like a lobster shoved up a sheep’s butt.

Conversational tidbits:

  • VP: In China they don’t have napkins, they wipe their hands on little….[pause while rubbing his fingers]
  • Me: children?
  • Person 1: The worst interview question I ever had was “You are given an elephant, what do you do?”
  • Person 2: I’d sodomize it.

* I was the low title in the meetings.  Everyone else had titles that started with the words “Vice President” or “Director”, or ended in the word “Manager”, with an occasional  “Senior” added in here or there for flavor.

Fortune cookie game

I haven’t played the fortune cookie game in ages…