Media Spouts MisInformation

Many local, national, and even international news outlets are incorrectly reporting that the Earth was not destroyed today as a result of the Large Hadron Collider being turned on.  EGI News has leaned in fact that the Earth was destroyed earlier today when a massive black hole was created by the Large Hadron Collider.

That Bad Astronomer, Phil Plait, spoke with EGI about the Earth’s destruction.  “I really didn’t think the Earth would be destroyed.  Who knew that the anti-science quacks would get this one right.  I guess it’s a case of blind-squirrel syndrome. You know, if you predict the Earth’s doom enough times, I guess eventually you will get it right.”

One quack, speaking on the condition of annonymity said, “Oh we warned you.  We warned you.  But you didn’t listen.  Oh it’s just a harmless old proton collider idn’t it.”

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin said that she had been against the Large Hadron Collider since the beginning.  “We need to protect our large hadrons and teach our scientist to abstain from these dangerous activities.”

Humans to be Eradicated

The Galactic Environmental Protection Agency (GEPA) has reversed its early decision to place humans on their Endangered Species List. GEPA is now harnessing nuclear technology to try to eradicate the humans whose destructive nature is devastating the planet Earth.

GlikKnols, a humanologist at the Galactic Environmental Protection Agency, estimates that humans are causing irreparable harm to the planet and its other, more hospitable creatures.

“The other Earth creatures suffer the major burden… of mortality,” he told EGI during a tour of the GEPA’s humanology laboratories.

The Sterile Human Technique (SHT) is a simple idea. Scientists breed humans and expose the males to enough radiation to render them sterile. The males are then released into the environment to breed with the females, whose eggs are unfertilized and never develop.

“The whole idea or concept is that the population would actually start to crash and eventually may actually lead to eradication of the human, and therefore eradication of the problems they cause,” said GlikKnols, who has personally suffered through working with humans.

GlakErikTak, the humanologist in charge of the GEPA’s humanology unit, said the $4 million project was still in its infancy. He described it as a “high-risk project” with many hurdles to overcome before it is ready for field trials.

Over the next five years, they need to reach a point where they can produce a million sterile male humans a day.

The males they breed must be robust enough to survive when released into the environment and tough enough to compete with fertile males during mating. The biggest problem is that human women mate indiscriminately and very frequently.

GlikKnols and GlakErikTak point out that in the 1940s, Elalvador successfully used the SHT to eradicate humans from part of the planet.

“They brought that human into the lab, started producing it in large numbers, sterilized it and then released it in a small area… about 15 square kilometers, and successfully induced 100 percent sterility in the population,” Knols said.

Afterwards, they started a much larger project in which they were producing a million male humans a day. But when civil war broke out the project ended.

“We think we can do a better job than they did in Elalvador,” said GlakErikTak.

He said the technique of sterilization could not be used all over the Earth and would have to be combined with other population control techniques to eradicate the pest.

“But there’s no alternative to irradiation for the sterile human technique. It’s a very clean technique,” he said, adding that there was no risk of contamination. “The humans are not radioactive when they’re released.”

Volcano Death Cover-ups

SURABAYA, Indonesia – Indonesian Officials are reporting that two volcanoes in Indonesia spewed rocks and ash high into the air Tuesday, killing two tourists and forcing the evacuation of 20,000 people. Police said a Singaporean man and an Indonesian were killed when Mount Bromo, a popular tourist destination in East Java province, hurled rocks the size of footballs. Five other Indonesians were badly injured, police said. EGI has learned that although the tourists died at the Volcano, rocks were not responsible for their deaths.

EGI has learned that a recent influx of Volcanoraptors (Volcanus Raptorus) into the area has the authorities on high alert. Volcanoraptors were recently discovered at the volcano on White Island in the Bay of Plenty, east of Auckland, New Zealand. Since that time, other Volcanoraptors have been found at various volcanos throughout the south Pacific.

Paleontologist Dr. Justin Bengalis was the first to classify the new breed of dinosaur. “In the first pictures, I thought we were looking at a Flinstoneous Raptorus, but additional observation have shown that the dinosaur is completely new breed. The Volcanus Raptorus has a slightly rounder face than the Flinstoneous Raptorus and a shorter tail.”

Dr. Bengalis went on to say, “So far all we know about these creatures is that they are highly resistant to heat, sulphur and acid. And of course that they are vicious meat eaters. We actually witnessed the dinosaur on White Island attacking a tourist. The morbid curiosity got the best of us.”

Indonesia sits astride the geologically active Pacific “ring of fire.” It has more than 100 active volcanoes. It is now believed that over half of these are home to the deadly Volcanoraptor. The dinosaurs hunting activity appears tied to volcanic activity. As the volcanoes become more active, the Volcanoraptor’s appetite seems to grow.

Mount Awu on Sangihe island, 1,400 miles northeast of Jakarta, began spewing ash last week and authorities put residents living on the island near the Philippines on the highest level of alert Monday.

As many as 20,000 people have been evacuated. The island’s population was unclear. There are a number of islands nearby, although many are uninhabited.

“There is a lot of smoke coming out, and there are indications that it will erupt, [increasing the dinosaur activity]” said Samuel Dalompha, an official of the Directorate of Volcanology based on the island, part of North Sulawesi province and site of the 4,330-foot volcano.

More than 80 percent of residents in the danger zone on the island had been evacuated, but some men had stayed to guard their villages, officials added.

Scorpio: People will envy you if they find out you have such a cool zodiac sign. Best to not let them know. Especially Gemini’s, they are sensitive about that stuff.

Dinosaur Discovered in New Zealand

A web camera placed in the crater of a remote New Zealand volcano has made a startling discovery. New Zealand’s Geological and Nuclear Sciences (GNS) had installed a digital camera in the crater of the volcano which makes up most of White Island in the Bay of Plenty, east of Auckland. The camera was placed on the island to monitor volcanic activity; it has instead captured images of a dinosaur.

White Island Dino The often active volcano draws tourists by boat but most people do not go ashore on the uninhabited, rumbling island. Of the tourists who have ventured onto the island, many have died mysterious deaths. Prior to the discovery of the dinosaur, it had been assumed that the volcano was to blame.”From the pictures I have seen, I would guess that the dinosaur is some form of raptor, possibly Flinstoneous Raptorus. If you recall from the Jurassic Park movies, the raptors are highly intelligent hunters. I would not be surprised at all to find out that the raptors are responsible for the deaths on the island,” said paleontologist Dr. Justin Bengalis.

Dr. Bengalis went on to say, “This raptor is obviously obsessed with the webcam, as you can see him visiting it almost every hour. My guess is that it is either trying to disable the device, or he is looking for an easy meal, waiting for someone to visit it.”

A second paleontologist contacted by EGI disagreed with Dr. Bengalis analysis. “I think that the dinosaur looks more like an herbivore, possibly a hadrosaur. My guess is that the dinosaur is working in conjunction with GNS and plans to eventually charge for access to the webcam. I know I personally spend about $200 a month on College Girl Web Cams. I would pay for a dino-cam, if the price was reasonable.”

New Zealand officials are split on whether the raptors should be removed from the island or left to continue living there as they have for the past 65 Million years or so.

“I’m surprised [the creature] has lasted this long, considering the sulphur and high acid environment the creature has had to deal with,” said GNS’ John Callan. “A number of people have been emailing us asking [about] the dinosaur.”

Search for Osama bin Laden Expanded

On Wednesday, January 14th, President George Bush announced plans to increase funding for NASA with plans to return astronauts to the moon and eventually to Mars. EGI has learned that President Bush’s sudden interest in the space program is driven not by a desire to explore the solar system, but by the inability to track down al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

Although EGI has confirmed that Osama bin Laden was hiding out in a cave in southern California as recently as November 24th, White House officials are convinced that Osama has rejoined his base of operation on the lunar surface.

Hints of the true mission purpose were evident in the President’s speech. “We will give NASA a new focus and vision. We will build new ships to carry man forward into the universe, to gain a new foothold on the moon to prepare for new journeys to the worlds beyond our own,” Bush said. “Mankind is drawn to the heavens for the same reason we were once drawn into unknown lands…”

Bush proposed spending $12 billion over the next five years on the effort. About $1 billion of that will come from an increase in NASA’s budget, while the other $11 billion would come from shifting funds from existing programs within NASA’s current $86 billion budget.

Some in Congress questioned whether the funding would be enough to achieve the president’s ambitious goals.

Rumors abound that al Qaeda is already developing ships and equipment to move their permanent base to Mars.