Chris Cringle (a.k.a. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Claus, a.k.a. St. Nick [St. Nicholas], a.k.a. Pappa Noel, …) was hospitalized Sunday morning, after suffering an apparent heart attack. Santa’s “friend”, known only as twinkle-toes, reports that he was with Mr. Claus at the time of the heart attack.
“Kris and I had been celebrating the finish of another year. Kris told me that this years Christmas had been especially stressful and that his legal problems had prevented him from being as prepared as he normally would have been. We have a kind of tradition. We began drinking early on the 31st, and continued to party through Saturday night, stopping only for food and short naps.” said twinkle-toes. “I noticed that he looked a little pale, and he complained several times since Christmas that his arm hurt. I figured he pulled a muscle and was just fatigued from his annual Christmas night business.”
Dr. Sanjay Mirashnifalikalikahn, a heart surgeon at Detroit Regional Hospital, provide insight into Mr. Claus’ condition. “The man is grossly overweight and has extremely high cholesterol. Considering his age and health, I’m surprised he hasn’t had heart attacks before now.”
Dr Mirashnifalikalikahn went on to say, “Mr. Claus is recovering fine. We performed an emergency quadruple bypass. One thing that is certain, Santa’s diet will have to change. The man drinks whole milk and eats lots of cookies and treats.”
The lawyer representing Santa, with Rintala, Smoot, Jaenicke and Rees, a high power Los Angeles-based law firm who’s clients also include Ben Affleck, told EGI that they are considering a law suit against the city of Detroit, claiming the city was at least partially responsible for Santa’s heart attack.