Santa Claus Hospitalized

Chris Cringle (a.k.a. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Santa Claus, a.k.a. St. Nick [St. Nicholas], a.k.a. Pappa Noel, …) was hospitalized Sunday morning, after suffering an apparent heart attack.  Santa’s “friend”, known only as twinkle-toes, reports that he was with Mr. Claus at the time of the heart attack.

“Kris and I had been celebrating the finish of another year.  Kris told me that this years Christmas had been especially stressful and that his legal problems had prevented him from being as prepared as he normally would have been.  We have a kind of tradition.  We began drinking early on the 31st, and continued to party through Saturday night, stopping only for food and short naps.” said twinkle-toes.  “I noticed that he looked a little pale, and he complained several times since Christmas that his arm hurt.  I figured he pulled a muscle and was just fatigued from his annual Christmas night business.”

Dr. Sanjay Mirashnifalikalikahn, a heart surgeon at Detroit Regional Hospital, provide insight into Mr. Claus’ condition.  “The man is grossly overweight and has extremely high cholesterol.  Considering his age and health, I’m surprised he hasn’t had heart attacks before now.”

Dr Mirashnifalikalikahn went on to say, “Mr. Claus is recovering fine.  We performed an emergency quadruple bypass.  One thing that is certain, Santa’s diet will have to change.  The man drinks whole milk and eats lots of cookies and treats.”

The lawyer representing Santa, with Rintala, Smoot, Jaenicke and Rees, a high power Los Angeles-based law firm who’s clients also include Ben Affleck, told EGI that they are considering a law suit against the city of Detroit, claiming the city was at least partially responsible for Santa’s heart attack.

EGI BREAKING NEWS
Palin Balin’

Most news sites are reporting that Sen. Joe Biden from Delaware and Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, the vice presidential nominees of the Democratic and Republican parties, respectively, will debate each other at 8 p.m. (CDT) Oct. 2 in the Washington University in St. Louis Athletic Complex, according to the Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD). EGI News reporter Gil Le Bell has uncovered that this is no longer the case.A certain Arizona Senator running for President who asked not to be named gave Gil the inside scoop about Thursday night’s Vice Presidential Debate.

Gil: Thank you for meeting with me today Senator, I know your schedule is very busy.

Senator: No problem Gil. I always make time for EGI. Even when I was a POW I made time for EGI.

Gil: So tell me, are you concerned at all about Sarah Palin going into Thursday’s debate.

Senator: I admit that I was more than a little worried, with all her miscues and use of word salad even when asked a simple question like what newspapers does she read. Of course I didn’t have news papers when I was a POW, but apparently she couldn’t answer that. Anyway, we’ve worked around any concerns about her debate performance.

Gil: Really, how so?

Senator: Well, I was watching Saturday Night Live, and asked my aide why no one informed me that Sarah was doing the show. He said that he hadn’t been informed either, but pointed out how much better she was doing than usual. Later we found out that it wasn’t really Sarah Palin, but actually an actress named Tina Fey.

Senator: Anyway, long story short, we got on the phone with Ms. Fey and convinced her to do the debate instead. She is obviously more articulate than Sarah, and I really don’t think anyone will notice it’s not her.

Gil: That sounds like a winning plan.

Senator: If it works out as well as we expect, Ms. Fey may start doing all Sarah’s interviews for her.

Gil: Why have Sarah on the ticket at all then.

Senator: She appeals to our core voters base… urges.

Media Spouts MisInformation

Many local, national, and even international news outlets are incorrectly reporting that the Earth was not destroyed today as a result of the Large Hadron Collider being turned on.  EGI News has leaned in fact that the Earth was destroyed earlier today when a massive black hole was created by the Large Hadron Collider.

That Bad Astronomer, Phil Plait, spoke with EGI about the Earth’s destruction.  “I really didn’t think the Earth would be destroyed.  Who knew that the anti-science quacks would get this one right.  I guess it’s a case of blind-squirrel syndrome. You know, if you predict the Earth’s doom enough times, I guess eventually you will get it right.”

One quack, speaking on the condition of annonymity said, “Oh we warned you.  We warned you.  But you didn’t listen.  Oh it’s just a harmless old proton collider idn’t it.”

Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin said that she had been against the Large Hadron Collider since the beginning.  “We need to protect our large hadrons and teach our scientist to abstain from these dangerous activities.”

Terror Watch List Highly Effective

I once wrote an article about racial profiling that not too surprisingly found that Ashcroft and Bush were a perfect match as potential terrorists.  It turns out that our government, in their infinite wisdom has added Jim Robinson, a former Assistant Attorney General, to the terrorist watch list.

It is nice to see that racial profiling and the terror watch list are as effective as expected.

– Gil Le Bell

* Satire can’t compete with reality.

Random statistics

84% of Software Developers in the United States and Canada own a Hockey Stick.
37% of the people who own a 20 side die make over $75K a year.  51% make under $20K a year.
[source: EGI News]